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PILOT HUMOR


The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?" 
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."
  
  * * * * *

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. 
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

  * * * * *

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. 
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."
 
  * * * * *

Billund ATC: Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude? 
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet. 
D5: Same position, same altitude. 
ATC (cool, dry voice): So should I go get my collision report form ? 

  * * * * *

Several planes were running up and waiting to take off, many Cessna's including a 337. With all the students and several similar call signs, the controllers were getting a tad confused. The controller finally asked: "Cessna 123YZ, are you the Skymaster?" 
A slightly confused voice with an indeterminate accent replied, after a moment, "Well, my instructor says that I am very good, but I do not think that I would yet be considered the 'Skymaster.'" 

  * * * * *

A friend of mine was ferrying his Blanick to a nearby airport on the other side of some Class C Airspace. The 182 tow plane had no radio, but the Blanick did. No problem, after departing the glider called, ATC and gave their intentions to cross The Class C airspace. About halfway across, ATC requested a 90 degree right turn. My friend responded. "What do you want me do? Yell out the window?"

  * * * * *

A crew in a Baron was taxiing at LAX back in the sixties and encountered one of the (then) new 747's. Both pilot and co- were all eyes as both aircraft approached the same intersection. 
Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747. 
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry. 

  * * * * *

Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised wake turbulence - UA 737. [pause] 
Cessna: San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737. 
[longer pause] 
Tower: UA 737, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172. 
Someone: Giggles and laughter in background.

  * * * * *

I was taxiing out to the active in a 172 and I had just dialed up tower and checked the approach which was clear. The weather was 15+ vis and no ceiling. I was just about to call tower for clearance when I heard this. 
ABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33. 
TWR: Alpha bravo charlie, negative visual contact pull up go around. 
I took a good hard look for the a/c and saw nothing so I called tower and got cleared to go. I heard 2 more renditions of the "On short final" and "Pull up go around" act. On the fourth try the pilot got a bit frustrated about the wave off. It went like this. 
TWR: Negative visual contact pull up and go around. 
ABC: Well look out you window, I'm right bloody in front of you! 
Tower came back very cool and collected. 
TWR: Alpha bravo charlie look down into the centre of the runway pattern. Do you see a big white radar dome? 
ABC: err....negative dome tower. 
TWR: That's because you're not over London. You're over Waterloo-Wellington 50 miles north-east of my position. Waterloo-Wellington tower frequency is 125.00. I think they would like to talk to you. 

  * * * * *

ATC: Cessna 1234 What are your intentions? 
Cessna: To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating. 
ATC: Cessna 1234 I meant in the next five minutes -  not years. 

  * * * * *

C-150: Tower this is N-1234 can you give us a ground speed please? 
Tower: Roger N-1234 we show you at 110 knots 

Mooney: (Showing off a bit) tower this is N-5678 can you give US a ground speed please? 
Tower: Roger that N-5678 we show you at 201 knots 

F-18: (Showing off a lot and said with a Texas drawl). Heh Heh.. tower how about XXXX, can you give US a ground speed please? 
Tower: Roger XXXX we show you at 580 knots. 

... then in a distant crackly voice, 
"Tower, we'd like a ground speed too please..." 
Tower: Ummmm ahhh .... must be something wrong with our equipment here, I show you at 1500 knots sir. 
"No sir, this is a SR-71. Thank you for the reading." 

  * * * * *

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.


  * * * * *


Cessna: Bay Approach, Cessna 12345 over South County Airport at four thousand feet, request permission to land at San Jose. 
Bay Approach: Cessna 12345, Squawk 4567, and do you have Hotel? (the current SJC ATIS) 
Cessna: Negative, we're going to stay with my sister-in-law. 
American 123: Does your sister-in-law have any extra rooms? 

  * * * * *

 Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" 
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway

  * * * * *
 
DCA clearance delivery responded to a request for an IFR clearance with a rapid-fire clearance that went on and on, with various VORs, fixes altitudes, etc. After a pause, a voice came back, in a slow Texas drawl, OK, now why don't you'all say that again, real slow, as if it mattered.
A pilot was attempting to deal with New York, and the controller shot everything out a mile a minute. The pilot came back with "New York, you hear how fast I'm a-talkin'? Well, that's how fast I'm a-listnin'".

  * * * * *

At London Gatwick: an A320 Air France is making an auto-approach. At 200', the computer decided to make a go-around with no reason and no command from the crew. Here is what we heard on the TWR freq:
Air France: London from Air France 1234, It's going around!
London TWR: Air France 1234, report intentions
Air France: Well ... to go with it sir!

  * * * * *

"Atlanta tower, United 123 is with you."
"United 123, you are cleared to land on 27 right."
"Atlanta tower, Delta 765."
"Delta 765, you are cleared to land on 9 left."
After a pause to digest this, we hear....
"Uh... Atlanta, I think you have that United flight and us coming into the same runway in opposite directions?"
Another pause..
"Y'all be careful, now, y' hear?"
 
  * * * * *

Tower: United 123, traffic 3 o'clock, 2 miles, an American Fokker 100.
United: Tower, United 123. I've wanted to say this for a long time:
I'VE GOT THAT FOKKER IN SIGHT!

  * * * * *

"Delta 1176, say speed"
"Approach, we slowed to 220"
"Delta 1176, pick it back up to 250...this ain't Atlanta and those ain't grits on the ground."
"Request runway 27 right."
"Unable."
"Approach...do you know that the wind at 6,000 ft is 270 at 50?"
"Yeah I do...and if we could jack the airport up to 5,500 ft, you could have that runway...expect 14 right."

  * * * * *

"The first officer says he has you in sight"
"Roger, the first officer is cleared for a visual approach runway 27...YOU continue on that 180 heading and descend down to 3,000 ft."

  * * * * *

The first announcement started with the familiar, "Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a slight delay. If you would like to stretch your legs in the passenger lounge..." You know the routine. Well, as it happened, Ray Charles was on the aircraft and the Captain asked him if he would like to stretch his legs. He replied "No, thank you, but I would appreciate it if you could take my dog for a short walk." The Captain cheerfully obliged, but they say it took three hours to get the passengers back on the plane after seeing the Captain walk through the passenger lounge with sunglasses and a seeing-eye dog.

  * * * * *

Captain: "500 ft. low visibility, runway seems to be short. Co-pilot, lower flaps to 30 degrees..."
Co-Pilot: "Flaps down at 30.. Check."
Captain: "300 ft, low visibility, runway looks very short... Co-pilot, lower to 45 degrees !!!"
Co-Pilot: "Flaps down at 45...check."
Captain: "100 ft !!! Runway very short !!! "Co-pilot, lower flaps to emergency - 90 degrees down !!!
Co-Pilot: "Flaps down to 90 degrees ready to land...check." Aircraft lands and breaks immediately...
Captain: "*wipes off the sweets and sighs*... "Ohh they make the runways so short in the west...."
Co-pilot: "Yes...*points out the window*...but they are so wide..."

  * * * * *
 
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
 
  * * * * *
 
While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
 

  * * * * *

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."


  * * * * *

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."


  * * * * *


"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." 
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?


  * * * * *


As a C-5 Galaxy landed and cleared the active, it taxied by a Boeing 747 holding short of the runway. The C-5 aircraft commander, knowing how much larger his giant military behemoth was than the civilian aircraft, keyed the mic and asked the 747 captain, "Hey little buddy, what's your gross?" Not to be out done the 747 captain keyed his mic and replied "A little over two hundred thousand dollars a year, how about you?"


  * * * * *


C'MON BABY, CLIMB! 
Paul Harvey's radio newscast told of an airline pilot in Arizona who rear-ended a car in front of him while driving home from work one night. He told the traffic court judge that it was late, he was tired, and when he saw the car ahead and realized he couldn't stop in time, he slammed on the gas and pulled back on the steering wheel, fully expecting to go up and over. Verdict: unknown.


  * * * * *


Pilot:  "Approach, Cessna 123, request two practice ILS approaches, followed by the published missed to the VOR to hold, a VOR approach, two NDB approaches, and an ASR approach."

Approach: "Cessna 123 squawk 4753, and would you like fries with that, sir?"


  * * * * *


Airliner: Approach, what's our sequence?

Approach: Calling for the sequence, I missed your call-sign. But if I find out what it is, you're last.


  * * * * *




You may be a Redneck Pilot if ...
 
Your stall warning plays "Dixie."
 
Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints.
 
You've ever used moonshine as avgas.
 
You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
 
You think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
 
Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
 
Just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
 
You have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
 
You've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
 
You use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
 
You refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
 
There is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
 
You've got a gun rack on the passenger window.

You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.

Your preflight includes removing all of the clover, grass, and wheat from your landing gear.

You figure the weight of the mud and manure on your airplane into the CG calculations.

You siphon gas from your tractor to put in your airplane.

You've never landed at an actual airport though you've been flying for years.

You've ground looped after hitting a cow.

You consider anything over 100" AGL to be high altitude flight.

There are parts of your airplane labeled John Deere.

You've never actually seen a sectional but have all of the Texaco road maps for your flying area.

There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.




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